Birchall Reality

We made this anti-viral film for Cascade’s First Harvest...

Wed, 15 May 2013 19:06:00 -0400

We made this anti-viral film for Cascade’s First Harvest ale at Clemenger BBDO Melbourne. The beer is made from specially developed hops and limited to 5000 cases. So the hops are limited edition and the beer is limited edition. So we made a limited edition film. It’s limited to 5000 views. Get in quick.

Duke Batavia - Wide Wide World

Tue, 08 Jan 2013 23:53:03 -0500

Duke Batavia - Wide Wide World:

We made a video for my band’s latest single using a 99 cent iPhone app, a scalpel and a bottle of scotch. It was worth every cent.

Michael Palin - Breakfasters Interview

Sun, 02 Dec 2012 18:45:28 -0500

Michael Palin - Breakfasters Interview:

I’m finishing up on the 3RRR Breakfasters program this week, which has me getting all misty. So I thought I’d post some of my favourite moments from the show.

Holiday Cooking Class Recipes Adapted For Home Use.

Sun, 07 Oct 2012 23:03:56 -0400

On a recent vacation to Bali, my girlfriend Amanda and I did a cooking class. It was great fun! On arriving home, I wanted to recreate the meals for Amanda, but found some of the ingredients difficult to get my hands on. So I have adapted them to keep the relaxed, fragrant, island flavors and carefree glow of holiday love, using things you can find at home. :-)

Corn Fritters:
This is an easy little appetizer with some easy to get ingredients to get you started.

Ingredients:
Rice flour
Sweet corn kernels
Scallions or green onions
Ground cumin
Cilantro
Grapeseed or canola oil

Whatever corn or flour you’ve got is fine. Regular onions are ok too, but you’re best to brown them slightly before you stir them in. It really has a fresher zing with cilantro though!

Method:
Mix all of the ingredients in a bowl and add water until it’s a thick paste. Heat the oil and ladle spoonfuls into the oil. You might get a few little burns if the oil splashes. Concentrate on the pain. It focuses you.

Fragrant fish satay sticks
Satay is a really fun entrée or party food! In this case it’s really light, fresh fish on a bamboo skewer. It’s great for a party, or for sharing, or even eating alone! Alone.

Ingredients:
Finely ground hake fish or similar firm white fish
Galangal
Shredded ginger
Cilantro seeds
Cilantro root
Trassi (fermented shrimp paste)
Grated palm sugar
Pandan leaf

To make at home, substitute monkfish for something similar, like meatballs. If galangal (a fragrant root) is unavailable, substitute for meatballs. Instead of shredded ginger, be crafty. Use meatballs instead. Fermented shrimp paste can be hard to come by in American grocery stores, so try using meatballs instead. Pandan leaf is a fragrant leaf used to flavor everything from desserts to satay sauce. If you can’t find it, try using twigs from the plants that died when Amanda left.

Method:
Get a large, ceramic bowl. Smash it on the counter. Rub the ingredients into your face and eyes. Walk into the snow in your pajamas, crying softly.

Satay Sauce:
This goes really well with the satay skewers, but you can also eat it as a dip, or as a simple dressing on steamed vegetables. The Indonesians call this dish ‘Gado Gado’. I had trouble pronouncing that! Amanda laughed.

Ingredients:
Candle nuts
Galangal
Ginger
Fermented Shrimp Past
Cilantro root
Ground Cumin
Fresh Turmeric
Fresh, hot chilli

Candle nuts! Wow I’d never even heard of these. Regular peanuts will do. The lady that took the class said you can even use peanut butter if you can’t find it. As far as chilli goes, you should be able to find fresh chilli at the local farmer’s market the two of you used to go to. Or just use hot sauce. Hotter the better.

Method:
Lay in the foetal position and gently hug the ingredients. The warmth of the chilli getting into your eyes and groin will distract you from the pain of loneliness.

Sticky Coconut Rice
What a quirky dessert! It’s a sweet rice pudding, but it’s black. Black was our favorite Pearl Jam song.

Ingredients:
Wild Black Rice
Fresh coconut milk
Grated palm sugar
Pandan leaf
Grated coconut

Again, there’s no reason to be put off by some of the more exotic ingredients. If you can’t find Wild Black Rice, just use a handful of sand that you gathered from the beach and put in a paper bag. You lit a candle in the bag, making it into a lantern. You looked into each other’s eyes and you said ‘Just as this flame burns, my love for you burns bright and true.’ She looked away and you thought she was distracted by a passing villager. You ignored it and held her softly. You felt her tremble slightly.

Method:
Stir the rice/sand over a low heat with the coconut milk and sugar until it is softened. Turn up the flame. Let it burn. Let it all burn. Sit by yourself at that huge table. Scream AMANDA! AMANDA! until the police come.

Performance appraisal, Walter Birchall

Mon, 06 Aug 2012 07:46:00 -0400

Thanks for your first 6 weeks with us. This is something we do with everyone new, so take a seat and let’s get started. Don’t worry about the clip-board, it’s just a few notes I’ve been jotting down over the journey. Helps me keep these meetings focused. Firstly, your attitude has been mentioned from time to time. Visitors in particular find you charming and ready with a smile. That’s great. That’s what we strive for here and that’s why we’re fast approaching the number 3 family in the tri-state area. But it’s not enough to think of visitors. We’re important too. And frankly, we’re not seeing a lot of this sunny disposition. Oh sure, there’s a smile here and there but it’s more often than not followed by some…unpleasantness. This is something we can work on. But hey, that’s why I’m here. Are you with me Walt? Walt? That’s a ceiling fan. Look at me. Ok. We also should talk about, how do we put this…timelines. Now where you came from, it’s quite likely you did things differently. That’s ok. In a lot of ways we like that. But if we’re going to put some time into your training, we need you to at least make an attempt to work to our timings. 3 am is not the time to be giggling at the squeaky horse. I like your work with the horse. I do. It’s why we brought you on board. But there is a time and a place. Ok. Ok don’t cry. This is positive. I know you won’t be surprised to know there are certain…expectations that certain stakeholders have. Important stakeholders. Kathy for instance – you remember Kathy, right? Wealthy, childless Kathy? Anyway, she wrote ‘If you’re half as gorgeous as your mommy, you’re going to be a heartbreaker’. Well, I know it was an optimistic goal, but I have to be honest with you. You’re not there yet. There’s the blotchiness. There’s that discoloration above your right eye. There’s the crust of vomit on your chin. And Bill – you remember Bill, right? Famously generous around birthday and graduation time? He wrote, ‘We know you are going to grow into a fine young man’. Now I’m not saying you won’t. All I’m saying is that after 6 weeks, we’re seeing scant evidence of it. And I’m not sure if you know how our funding structure works here, Walt. I know it’s not your department. But let’s just say that since the unfortunate incident at the track, we haven’t got a lot of what we’d call ‘cash flow’, or, you know, ‘money’. So stakeholders are as important to you as they are to me. Possibly more so, as we head into flu season. I’ve also had feedback from ‘Aunt’ Jean Freidberg that you excreted onto her through your diaper and grow-suit. We’ve all wanted to do it, but the fact is, our margins are wafer thin. We can’t get away with that kind of thing. So we’ll work on rectifying that. I think if we put in the work and apply the right principles, we can get you shitting vaguely away from people by the March quarter. If that feels too fast, you tell me. Having said all that, I have some good newsfor you. We’ve decided to keep you on. We see some potential. There’s a certain glint in the eye that sets you apart as very ‘us’. Something we can work with. Mould. Also, we’re legally obliged to keep you. You see? That’s better. That’s the smile we like to…oh. Right.

My GetUp has got up and gone.

Tue, 13 Mar 2012 20:33:33 -0400

My GetUp has got up and gone.:

This opinion piece on the Drum generated quite a bit of discussion. I also learnt a lot about myself. Apparently I am in the pocket of the pokies lobby. Good to know.

Remember the (eighteen) nineties?

Sun, 11 Dec 2011 20:07:05 -0500

Dear diary,

I hope I get through this entry as I’m not long for this world. I fear I have dropsy, which I likely contracted from an all-night sleep-out for the release of Pearl Jam’s new opera, Vitalogy at the Ye Virgin Megastore. Mama and papa wouldn’t give me the thruppence it cost, so I had to take my lute along and perform in the manner of a minstrel for coins. Happily, coins rained upon me, as skin flakes from Hubert, the local leper. I purchased the compendium and was on my way. Unfortunately, it’s not as good as their previous operas. Also, the fever has reached my lungs.

Benjamin

A Little Tidak Goes A Long Way

Mon, 28 Nov 2011 22:08:11 -0500

A Little Tidak Goes A Long Way:

An article on the ABC Drum website where I get on my high horse about some particularly odious travel writing in The Age.

Yes, this is a Jimmy Buffett tattoo. That is all.

Mon, 28 Nov 2011 21:51:12 -0500

Yes, this is a Jimmy Buffett tattoo. That is all.

Thomas Keneally's 'Australians': A smaller time.

Mon, 28 Nov 2011 19:08:42 -0500

I had occasion to chat with National Treasure™ Thomas Kenneally this morning about his latest historical tome ‘Australians: Eureka to the Diggers’. It’s the second volume (a third is coming) in a series of historical studies not of Australia, but of the people who made it. It’s an interesting device, and it works. It works not just because Keneally can write a bit, or that he researches meticulously and treats each historical figure as a character, not just a name on a plaque.

It works because of the fascinating, multi-tasking nature of our forebears. Very rarely do they just have one story. Their lives weave in and out of various narratives.

Like Plorn Dickens. Plorn seems to have been the idiot son of Charles Dickens, sent to the colonies at 16 to toughen up and stay out of his father’s way. He lost most of the family fortune in a drought, became a member of NSW parliament, got obsessed with rabbits and ended up a fairly successful businessman in Melbourne.

Or Tom Wills. He was a wealthy kid, sent to the Rugby school, the son of a pastoralist. The same pastoralist who was massacred at Cullin La Ringo in Queensland, after Tom went out for supplies. Tom was also a handy cricketer, who had the idea of devising a local code of football to keep the cricketers fit through winter. He later organised the tour of indigenous cricketers to England in 1888 – the first representative Australian sports team to tour internationally.

But you have to stop and think that in 1880, there were 2.8 Million (white) people in Australia. That’s slightly more than the population of Brisbane.

Of course Wills did all of those things. There wasn’t anyone else to do it.

It’s the same way that my 60-something parents would watch TV and say ‘Oh yeah, Jim’s Mowing…went to uni with him,’ ‘Captain Snooze…yep, he was in your uncle’s grade’ or ‘Icehouse, sure I used to babysit the bass player.’ Of course they knew all of those people. In 1956, while my dad was at primary school with Captain Snooze, the population of Melbourne was 1.5 million. Roughly half of what it is now. Australia was small. Sure, it was small because we excluded most of the world’s immigrants and decimated the indigenous population.

I’m all for a big Australia. I’m all for letting in people of all cultures, however the fuck they get here. But I sometimes wish I had grown up in a smaller country. When there wasn’t so much traffic, or congestion, or competition to be a notable character. Sometimes it just feels crowded out there.

The Ides Of March - A spoily review.

Sun, 27 Nov 2011 19:33:00 -0500

Maybe it’s the preview’s fault.

It set up ‘Ides of March’ as a genuine political pot-boiler, with shady deals and revelations and possibly CIA operatives lurking in corners of dimly lit car parks. The ‘scandal’ that we’re served is lukewarm at best.

A Presidential candidate banged an intern.

‘What else?’, you ask. ‘Did the press find out about it?’ No. ‘Was she pregnant?’ Yes, but she terminated it. ‘So the press found out about the termination?’ No. ‘Oh…so the Governor was wracked with guilt and confessed it on live television?’ No. ‘So the CIA found out about it and are using it to blackmail the Governor to shelter the real masterminds of the 9/11 attacks only for that revelation to be stumbled upon by a sassy reporter?’

No…she just got pregnant, pretty much. Which turned the bright idealistic Stephen Meyers (Ryan Gosling) into a jaded, ruthless political operative. Which seemed weird to me, because at no point did I particularly care about it.

It felt like a revelation from another time. A more innocent time. The film is based on the play ‘Farragut North’, so I scrambled to the Google machine to find out if perhaps it had been written in 1960, when young women died of shame for becoming pregnant out of wedlock, and ‘We’re Catholic’ was a feasible excuse for a quickie abortion. No such luck. The play was written after the 2004 primaries, and is loosely based on Howard Dean’s campaign. It was first staged in 2008. So no go there. Which makes it fairly unforgivable that the character of Molly, played by Evan Rachel Wood, is such a helpless, hopeless, cardboard cut-out.

We’re given no sense that Molly has a depth of character deeper other than her sassy back and forth with Meyer character. She’s the daughter of the president of the Democratic party, so she’s not working on the campaign on merit. We’re given no sense that she has a passion for politics, or that she believes in the cause. She swears a lot and sleeps around. When she gets ‘in trouble’, she turns to men to get her out of it, asking the Governor, then Meyer for 900 bucks. (Even the 900 bucks she needs to get it seems laughable. Wouldn’t the savvy media advisor make enough that he doesn’t need to dip into the petty cash to pay for it? And since when does a 20 year old daughter of a former senator not have a credit card? Or a trust fund?) When the strong man doesn’t pick her up from the clinic, she kills herself.

Clooney has shown he’s adept at directing sassy women, and creating a spark. His own scenes between himself and Patricia Clarkson in the excellent Good Night, and Good Luck’ are proof of that. But then maybe it’s as I suspect, that Clarkson is simply a radiant presence who is good in everything. Evan Rachel Wood is not.

So with a lack of spark or interest in the romantic thread, we’re left with the political stuff. Philip Seymour Hoffman and Paul Giamatti are customarily good at being string-pulling advisors. And Giamatti is responsible for the one slightly interesting twist in the film. But even that is over-explained and loses its spark. Clooney himself plays the Governor, who is initially cast as a Jeb Bartlett type – above politics, filling Meyer with hope that he can stay above politics with this shining light on the hill. So we’re meant to be shattered when we find out he’s a sleaze. The problem is, we never really care for him, and don’t find him inspiring. His rousing political speeches seem to be about electric cars.

The post-Obama age allows us to dream bigger, at least in terms of rhetoric.

The post-Clinton, post-Edwards age allows us to expect grubbier, more sordid scandals in our fiction.

And the post-feminist (yeah, I know we’re not post it) age allows us to expect more from female characters.

As Aaron Sorkin has shown over and over again, politics can be scintillating, compelling, rich, layered. Hell, he’s shown that baseball statistics can be all of that. Clooney has taken this backdrop, along with a dream cast, and turned it into a saggy melodrama.

The 10 Most Definitive Rules for Twitter Ever of All Time.

Mon, 14 Nov 2011 01:14:00 -0500

1. Never ask for followers.

2. Never tweet about your follow count. It’s like telling people how much you earn.

3. Never tweet about needing coffee, drinking coffee or regretting coffee.

4. Tweeting 90% good stuff lets you do 11% pimping. That adds up, right?

5. #leaveoutthepointlesshashtags

6. Never retweet praise from others. Unless it’s funny. Or sarcastic. Or from @theharryshearer

7. Nobody needs to see how hot you are.

8. Nobody cares how sick you are. Unless you’re @NileRodgers.

9. Never refer to yourself in the third person. @benbirchall never does.

10. Never make up rules.

Rejected McSweeney's Submission #1: Chicago City Events Co-ordinator Responds To Mayor’s Office Enquiries Regarding the Von Steuben Parade, 1986

Wed, 03 Aug 2011 16:08:00 -0400

Dear Sirs,

Thank you for your rather strongly worded enquiry regarding Thursday’s events. Below is a full report of breaches of city code in order to clarify some points the Mayor raised.

Initially, the 1986 Von Steuben Parade was proceeding along the lines of the 1984 and 1985 parades. Crowd control plans and resources were satisfactory. Chicago Police were on hand, and all paperwork had been filed correctly by the United German-American Societies of Greater Chicago. Crowd numbers were in line with estimates and the parade was moving in a timely, orderly fashion.

At 13:43 hours an unscheduled performance of ‘Dankeshoen’, I believe by Wayne Newton, began. A charismatic young man in a leopard print vest was reported to have climbed aboard the famed ‘Wurst Hutte’ float. Noise levels rose markedly, but the crowd control techniques employed were satisfactory and there was no cause for alarm. When event staff approached the manager of ‘Wurst Hutte’, a Mr Peterson (described as a morose young man wearing a Detroit Red Wings jersey), he assured the team that the performance was to aid the charity fund for a very sick boy.

At 13:46, noise levels rose by up to 12 dB as yet another unscheduled performance began, I believe of the Beatles version of the Isley Brothers hit, ‘Twist and Shout’. At this point, our crowd control strategy was compromised as the crowd surged into the street. We are aware of reports of breaches to ordinance 478, subsection G(ii) (1912) — synchronised dancing blocking public stairways and thoroughfares — at this point.

At 13:48, the first official complaint was lodged. A trombonist from the Lockport Township High School Band who was caught in the melee was alleged to have sustained damage to both his knob and his bell lock nut. (Damages are being negotiated between lawyers acting on behalf of the young trombonist and the city.)

We were aware at this point of blatant breaches of City ordinance 903/b (1967) at adjoining building sites – spontaneous dancing on scaffolding. We are also aware of a degree of spillage caused by Window Enhancement Technicians on the 14^th floor of the Glicks Building. We can only hope that the cleaning fluid has not permanently damaged the eyesight of that toddler.

At 13:51, extra Metropolitan Police and two CFD fire crews were called. The crowd were subdued and containment mechanisms restored to full operational status. Reports of widespread looting due to stretched Police resources have proven false. Although a scrunchy store near the corner of Lincoln and Leland was indeed ransacked.

While on balance, the aforementioned evidence is damning, might I remind Mayoral staff that the Mayor himself was present to witness many of the breaches in city code. At one point, it appeared that he even breached city ordinance 33 i (1927) – dancing on a ceremonial dais. If there are any doubts, please refer to the enclosed photographs. Furthermore, we have photographs of Mr Mayor obtained at other, more ‘festive’ occasions.

Perhaps this can be kept top of mind when any disciplinary action is considered.

Regards,

Mike McClurg

Chicago City Events Co-ordinator

Tangled Up In Blues - Hurts So Good

Fri, 15 Jul 2011 03:08:41 -0400

Tangled Up In Blues - Hurts So Good:

Ruminating after a Carlton loss to the Bulldogs. Yep. It hurt like hell.

Tangled Up In Blues - An Open Letter To Mitch Robinson

Thu, 09 Jun 2011 00:00:00 -0400

Tangled Up In Blues - An Open Letter To Mitch Robinson:

A letter in which I ask Mitch Robinson ‘Do you want to be a cult hero? Or just a boring old hero?

Top 10 songs you never knew were covers.

Wed, 08 Jun 2011 02:42:04 -0400

Top 10 songs you never knew were covers. :

It might shock you, but apparently Mariah Carey DIDN’T WRITE HER OWN SONGS! But then, neither did Harry Nilsson. Read on!

The Footy Almanac - 38 Special

Thu, 02 Jun 2011 00:24:37 -0400

The Footy Almanac - 38 Special:

An article on the excellent Footy Almanac website about the curse of Carlton’s number 38. It’s currently held by exciting speedster Jeffy Garlett. Will he be the first 38 to make 100 games?

Tangled Up In Blues - Hungry For A Win

Mon, 30 May 2011 04:11:46 -0400

Tangled Up In Blues - Hungry For A Win:

Does anyone remember the Peanut Man of Princes Park? Does anyone bring hot dogs to the footy in a thermos? So many questions.

Emerging Writer's Festival Program Launch

Sun, 29 May 2011 20:54:00 -0400

Emerging Writer's Festival Program Launch:

A panel I chaired at the Wheeler Centre with authors Meg Mundell, Paddy O’Reilly and Sean Condon. They share stories of the hilarious and at times embarrassing jobs that have bankrolled their writing careers — from O’Reilly’s stint as a Florida grapefruit queen in a Japanese supermarket to Mundell’s employment as Mary Christmas, fictional wife to a defiantly alcoholic ventriloquist Santa Claus. Condon’s advice for emerging writers? Give up. Give up now. Enjoy!

Tangled Up In Blues - Going Solo

Tue, 10 May 2011 21:52:52 -0400

Tangled Up In Blues - Going Solo:

Since losing my best mate and football companion to Sydney, I ruminate on who to go along to games with. Warning: Bromance included.