Birchall Reality

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August 2011

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Rejected McSweeney's Submission #1: Chicago City Events Co-ordinator Responds To Mayor’s Office Enquiries Regarding the Von Steuben Parade, 1986

Dear Sirs,

 

Thank you for your rather strongly worded enquiry regarding Thursday’s events. Below is a full report of breaches of city code in order to clarify some points the Mayor raised.

 

Initially, the 1986 Von Steuben Parade was proceeding along the lines of the 1984 and 1985 parades. Crowd control plans and resources were satisfactory. Chicago Police were on hand, and all paperwork had been filed correctly by the United German-American Societies of Greater Chicago. Crowd numbers were in line with estimates and the parade was moving in a timely, orderly fashion.

 

At 13:43 hours an unscheduled performance of ‘Dankeshoen’, I believe by Wayne Newton, began. A charismatic young man in a leopard print vest was reported to have climbed aboard the famed ‘Wurst Hutte’ float. Noise levels rose markedly, but the crowd control techniques employed were satisfactory and there was no cause for alarm. When event staff approached the manager of ‘Wurst Hutte’, a Mr Peterson (described as a morose young man wearing a Detroit Red Wings jersey), he assured the team that the performance was to aid the charity fund for a very sick boy.

 

At 13:46, noise levels rose by up to 12 dB as yet another unscheduled performance began, I believe of the Beatles version of the Isley Brothers hit, ‘Twist and Shout’. At this point, our crowd control strategy was compromised as the crowd surged into the street. We are aware of reports of breaches to ordinance 478, subsection G(ii) (1912) — synchronised dancing blocking public stairways and thoroughfares — at this point.

 

At 13:48, the first official complaint was lodged.  A trombonist from the Lockport Township High School Band who was caught in the melee was alleged to have sustained damage to both his knob and his bell lock nut. (Damages are being negotiated between lawyers acting on behalf of the young trombonist and the city.) 

 

We were aware at this point of blatant breaches of City ordinance 903/b (1967) at adjoining building sites – spontaneous dancing on scaffolding. We are also aware of a degree of spillage caused by Window Enhancement Technicians on the 14th floor of the Glicks Building. We can only hope that the cleaning fluid has not permanently damaged the eyesight of that toddler.  

 

At 13:51, extra Metropolitan Police and two CFD fire crews were called. The crowd were subdued and containment mechanisms restored to full operational status. Reports of widespread looting due to stretched Police resources have proven false. Although a scrunchy store near the corner of Lincoln and Leland was indeed ransacked. 

 

While on balance, the aforementioned evidence is damning, might I remind Mayoral staff that the Mayor himself was present to witness many of the breaches in city code.  At one point, it appeared that he even breached city ordinance 33 i (1927) – dancing on a ceremonial dais. If there are any doubts, please refer to the enclosed photographs. Furthermore, we have photographs of Mr Mayor obtained at other, more ‘festive’ occasions.

 

Perhaps this can be kept top of mind when any disciplinary action is considered.

Regards,

 

Mike McClurg

Chicago City Events Co-ordinator

 

Aug 3, 20111 note
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